I hope you check out my old style post, I want to get back to my site being like that, but I don't have the time right now. But in January it'll be back to that, and I'm probably going to make a seperate personal one with my actual identity.

Things with the two guys who've been causing me trouble has all changed.

The On-Off Ex-Boyfriend Of Three Years

He texted me apologising the next morning after that psycho incident, and asked me to apologise to my mum. I said 'yeah' and nothing else. Then on Thursday he texted me saying he misses me and asking if I want to hang out and he'll buy me dinner. I told him I don't want anything to do with him, and that he's ruined it completely. He got all defensive saying he wasn't asking to get back together, and blaming me for our failed relationship. I told him I was talking about being friends. He doesn't even get why I don't want to be friends, he thinks it's because he 'wanted other friends than me'. I told him I don't care enough to explain. It's over for real this time girls, I can't even be bothered to explain it properly.

The Guy Who Went All Weird And Never Texted Me - 'D'

I apologise for going back to him, because loads of you took the time to comment and make me feel better and forget him. But he's under my skin well and good, and I'm sure he's close to adoring me.

He texted me on Tuesday night apologising and trying to explain why he stopped talking to me for ten days. He says it's because when he realised he liked me he got all these flash backs from this relationship that screwed him up and he would be really scared of losing me. I told him that's not an excuse to be a dick to me. We talked for a couple of hours, and things ended up back to where they had been a couple of weeks ago. I said he shouldn't take it that seriously, and if he was feeling like that then he didn't get what I wanted and was making it too complicated. I said I wanted us to have fun. I know it sounds messy and bullshit and yeah leaving it would probably have been a good idea. If it had been anyone else I would've. But he's special, I think.

I was drunk texting him on Wednesday night, and arranged to go to his pub on Thursday night for him to make me 'the best coffee I've ever had'. I spoke to him for about ten minutes then my friend turned up and I went off for a pint with him. We stayed until closing and I gave them both a lift home. I dropped D off last, and we were sat in my car talking for about twenty minutes. Then I ended up going in his house for almost two hours. From the first time I said I needed to go home it took 45 minutes to actually make it to the door and be able to stop kissing each other.

Yesterday, Friday, I went to his again. We watched TV and a film and basically made out the whole time. Whilst it was, ahem, getting a bit steamy, he wanted to have sex and I had to say no. Again. I don't want him to get freaked out or not see me again after, and I wouldn't mind waiting a bit as I've only slept with one person. It took him a lot of strength to stop lol, but he did agree it was probably a good idea. I'm turned on like all of the time. Just thinking about him turns me on, and literally he can touch my skin and I go crazy. I seriously don't remember these feelings, whether I've had them before it was just so long ago, or if I actually haven't felt like this before. I hate how exercise raises your sex drive. I want him so badly.

Then last night, he came out after work to see me at the club. He came out specifically for me, even though it was the third time he'd see me in 24 hours. It wasn't as intense as during the day or Thursday night, because we were in a club and I was feeling a bit weird from too much caffine and smoking. But we still chatted and made out and I can't stop smiling when ever I'm with him.

Tonight, I'm going to a show put on by my old dance school, and then I'm going to town to see him. He said he really wants to see me even though I'm seeing him on Sunday, which will make it four days in a row of seeing each other. I said he will get bored of me. He said he won't, I'm too much fun.

I hope it works out this time.

Weight Loss

I gained 2lbs last weekend and it wouldn't shift at all, but I was having the symptoms of my real period (it happens mid pill pack which is annoying as I get to be unattractive twice a month) and I was barely sleeping. The weight's now gone down a bit. Still one more pound to go though.

Epically long post I know, but it's kind of helped me to write my thoughts down.

I can't get D's smile out of my mind. I think it's the most attractive smile I've ever seen.

To the four comments I got on my last post. It's some times ridiculous the amount of foot prints and views I get, compared to who bothers to comment. But what ever.

I don't have time for thinspo or responses to comments so sorry. I'm off to London in a couple of hours, I need to pack and make something for my brother, so no time. I'm going to be very drunk this weekend, and hopefully forget all about that boy. It would be helpful if my brother had more male friends (I'm staying with him), but most of them are female. Rubbish. But what ever. There might be someone to capture my attention for a couple of days.

I've had a doughnut, a load of battenberg, a crimble, and a chocolate bar. Ridiculous. I want to lose 4lbs by Friday, but like hell with that at the moment. I'm going to have put on tomorrow, and I have only been to the gym once in the last 9 days. And I can't go until Monday. Stupid stupid stupid.

I'll be back next week.

 He did text me, on Friday/Saturday morning at four. He said how he wants more than a sexual thing from me, but then a couple of texts later how he couldn't do anything this close to moving. He kept changing his mind and I basically said pick what you want to do and go for it. I knew he wouldn't reply straight away, but then I saw him that evening in town, and he was being odd. He apologised for how he's being and said we need to meet up in a quiet place and he'll explain it all and it'll make sense why he's being like this. He said he'd find out what his shifts are and tell me. I told him he pretty much only had Thursday to meet up because I'm working and going to London any other days this week. He hasn't text me yet, and he should've found out his shifts yesterday. But I think he may be waiting until closer to Thursday. I really wanted to text him last night and ask what his shifts are, but I deleted his number AGAIN on Saturday night. So I couldn't. I'm trying to keep myself looking held back even though I am completely crushed whilst not knowing what's going.

On Saturday night like I said he was odd.... We went outside for a cigarette and were talking, and he did kiss me. Then we went inside and he got me a drink, and we were chatting for a bit more. Couple more kisses. Then he said he was going to the toilet, and I asked if I was seeing him when he came back, and he said not to stick around just for him, but that he wasn't saying he didn't want me to. What the hell?? And then he didn't come up to me for the rest of the night (which was only about the space of an hour), he kissed a girl on the lips (though later she was with what I thought was her boyfriend anyways, so I think that was just a friendly thing. Not that he isn't allowed to kiss who ever he wants as he's not mine) and didn't say bye.

I'm being head fucked by this guy. I just want to know what the hell is going on!

I sent off a portfolio for university in London today. I don't think it was very good, it didn't come out how I wanted it at all. So don't think I'll end up going there, which is a shame as I love London.

My eating has been quite weird at the moment. I was just generally forgetting to eat for entire days at a time, but now I keep just deciding not to. This isn't like me, and I've never been one who can intentionally not eat. Silly really. I made myself have a plum this morning to start off my metabolism because I know not eating isn't a good thing for permanent weight loss. I've had the plum, 2 crackers, some grapes, and a skinny cappucino today. Not like me at all.

I hope some of you take this time to ready this mini essay and give me some advice, I know what it'll be, but I need to hear it! Thanks guys, you really do help.

Absolutely fucking no where.

The day after I posted last, I went back over to the guy's house. We had a perfect day. Absolutely perfect except that I wasn't going to have sex with him (and couldn't do anything as I'm on my period). I met his whole family. He said all the right things. We couldn't stop ourselves from touching each other, just like I wanted to be holding his hand all the time because I hated being stood away from him. And he was exactly the same.

Then we're texting later that night after I'd gone home. And he drops the bombshell that he's moving to London in three months. And he started getting really off hand with his responses about me. I told him I didn't just want to be someone to fill the time before he goes, and that if he wanted to think about whether he'd want to see if something could happen (very vague). He said he'd text me the next day - which was yesterday, Thursday - because he had to think about it.

He didn't text me. As he works late in a bar he doesn't get up until one, so all morning I was thinking "he's not even up yet". He had work at five so when he hadn't texted me by then I though "he'll text me after work". He didn't.

I went out last night with a friend and her boyfriend for his birthday. This guy I know from years ago was flirting madly with me, and texted me after saying "how it'd felt so natural", but it meant shag all. It wasn't like it had been with the other guy. One of the bar men put his number in my hand as I left (we were the absolute last people to leave the pub), and I drunkenly texted him a couple of hours later. Woops. No reply from him. He was cute. But still, my guy didn't text me.

Guess he's not my guy.

Glad I didn't have sex with him now, though damn it would've been good.

Oh, and I've put on two pounds over night. Stupid drinking and eating.

Just a comment someone left me and my response to it as I know many other people experience the same thing:

Comment -

hey, yesterday i weighed 144 and want to get to 133. today i weigh 151. I was on a crash diet and ate normally yest - but excercised this off. why am i heavier and  can i lose 20 pounds in a mth? I feel so so so fat :(

Me - 

You're heavier because crash diets are absolute crap and what ever you 'lose' (which will be negligible) will come back on three times as heavy. You're heavier because your body went in to starvation mode and you've retained every single calorie you ate. You can lose twenty in a month, but it'll be incredibly hard and I doubt you'll be able to do it. First you have to stop crash dieting. It doesn't work, ever. To lose twenty in a month you'd need to lose five pounds a week, which is almost a pound a day, so it's really not that achievable, so go for something like 10 - 15. If you stretch yourself too far you won't be able to do it and will gain weight. If you went for fifteen you'd need to burn 3500 calories every two days, so 1750 a day. That's going to be a lot of time in the gym and seriously controlled eating. Work out your BMR (make sure it includes your expenditure for the day), and see how much you can eat so you get about a 900 calorie deficit. (I would not recommend eating less than 900 calories). Then make up the rest of the calories you need to burn with exercise. You won't have much time for anything else, and it'll be very hard, so I'd recommend 10lbs in a month which is very achievable and is more likely to stay off and not just be loss of muscle or water. If you're serious about weight loss you need to cut out alcohol completely, do weight training as well as cardio and drink atleast 3 litres of water a day. Make sure you spread the water out across the day and DO NOT down it in a short space of time as this can swell the brain and kill you. If you need anything else just ask, but my advice is go for ten pounds in a month.